Hello,

I've been very busy lately for it seems that lady luck has folded. 

My father (Robert) was diagnosed with lung cancer in the end of last year and the last 3 months have been very trying.  As a family, we've have gathered together.  He was scheduled to have his right lung removed but the doctor went in and found a rather large tumor located near his pulmonary artery cancelling the operation and leading directly to Chemo which has since turned to require an extensive radiation treatment for an oncoming 35 days.  I have been so frustrated since this all began and kept the information concerning the downgrade to myself in fear that I may jinx the highest hope.  This situation is so difficult because he is avoiding the doctors calls and forcing himself to go to work.  He has since started drinking again and his health is only getting worse.  He has avoided the doctors and continues to reschedule his appointments while refusing to take on the obligations of the worst case scenario.  My sister is coming in on the 11th to discuss will and legal ideas with him.  I am so tired and feel that he is in a great deal of denial which has only made the situation more difficult.

I have been doing rather well and have found many fix it solutions to problems which have plagued me for years.  The shoe problem is almost resolved by hand-making my own custom shoes which in turn will save money.  The crack in my foot has been fixed using tire sealant and thigh-high socks have since created a no static solution to the clothing problem.  Handmade skirts are giving me a new hope towards feminine clothing.  They are little things but the fact that I am able to make-do on a stretched funds and almost uncontrollable situations makes me very happy.

I have started a internet shop on ETSY which has not been very successful but is it is so nice to see true artists and crafters making a living.  I enjoy the community aspect of it even though there are a few brash people.  It is wonderful to speak with people who have written books on their craft (Dylon Whyte) and others who are self supported by the income alone.  As of now I will be participating in a  Rape Response Services fundraiser which is a wonderful idea hosted by Sojourn Quilts . 

I am very glad to be involved in such a project but the instance and other discussions have brought up awful memories and has made me incredibly angry to the point I feel my rage could lead to destructive behaviour.  I am shocked by the lack of control I have when I feel this way.  Every inappropriate comment, vulgar action, and violent act in my past drives me to find why such things occurred and in such a short period of time.  I do understand my ignorance and introverted behavior was a target for my first attack, I am shocked by the actions that happened afterwards.  While nothing ever went beyond a full sexual assault after that, I feel frustrated and disappointed in the stupid behavior I held while first in the world.  Simple things like walking home at one in the morning in a shady neighborhood to not realising someone was not who they seemed to be.  These mistakes have led to physical traits I have to face every day and what use to be attractive now leaves me repulsed.   Things that were written as funny stories of a queer youth now cause me to feel faint and want to crawl into a ball. 

I have a new position at the library which has been helping with the current situation and giving a nice break from the stress.  It includes working as a major factor in the children's department and there have already been so many fun projects.  It seems that the work may have been assigned based on artistic skills.  The previous project was a SPD get-together where kids each received a paper shamrock and listened to stories and songs and none of them seemed to mind the visible glue or thumb print on the leprechauns face.  The next event will be on Tuesday.

In Other News:

1. The Post Office stole/lost another one of my packages and refuses to even give me my postage back. 

  2. My mother sent me two boxes full of thrift store crap.

3. My brother gave me his entire rock collection (which is still being sorted).

4. The violin is finally off and away to someone who is not double jointed.

5. My right hand is utterly F-up due to a fire wood incident from early this week.